On a more thoughtful note

I'm in Bodhgaya now, arrived here yesterday. Hard to find words to express what it's like here, and at the same time, hard not to talk about it.

My dearly beloved son has pointed out (and he wasn't the first) that I am giving out reports of my physical journey, and not much on the spiritual side. There are several reasons for this. The first is, that it's so much easier to talk about concrete things that are right there in front of your eyes. And there are so MANY concrete things right there in front of my eyes!!! It's hard NOT to talk about them, because they really leave a mark (wait till you hear what I've seen in the last 24 hours!!) . Another reason is that - here I am, writing to a constantly growing number of people, just because I feel like it - and I don't really know how much every single one of you is interested to hear about the inner workings of my not-completely-sane soul. So, instead of trying to figure it out myself, I leave it to you - you can just delete this whole message and/or ignore it.

Yesterday I hit Bodhgaya, the place where Buddha is supposed to have attained enlightenment, complete with one of the holiest, if not THE holiest Buddhist temple, one tree which is supposed to be a direct descendant of the original tree under which the enlightened one attained his enlightenment, and a whole parcel-load of monasteries and temples from just about every Buddhist country in the world. I really do have so much to say about the temple, where I spent all of last evening, and the school I stumbled across in the fields this morning (where the children sang me a song in return for one I that sang to them), but I want to give a try for some inner workings instead, just to see if I can do it.

Up until now, I have to say that I haven't really had too many spiritual doings. Lots of physical things have been happening, and lots and lots of emotional upheavals (most of which I don't really understand) - but as far as enlightenment goes - not too much. At first, I was astonished and happy to realize that the basic notions of Buddhism, which I mostly believe in - have their origin in Hindu philosophy, which lies behind the yoga teachings. I like it when things come together.

However, it seems to me that the Hindu religion got caught up in too many side-shows - more than 330,000 different gods, each one actually showing a different aspect of the one-and-only - it has a nice logic and sound to it, but when the people get side-tracked into hundreds of little legends and prayers and offerings and characteristics for each and every one of them - it seems to me that they tend to forget the basic idea, and become completely engrossed in throwing flowers at statues and smearing white paste on their foreheads. Not to mention constantly asking this or the other deity for yet another favor - which, in my opinion, completely side-steps the whole concept of the religion, perpetuates the idea that physical reality is what really matters, and totally shuts out any hope of remembering what enlightenment is all about. I think it's a question of where you put the emphasis. While it is very interesting for me to participate in a puja (Hindu ceremony) and go through all the motions, I can't say that I find any spiritual value in it.

On the other hand, here I am in Bodhgaya, sitting under the Bodhi tree, and feeling as if I am in the one and only place in the world where I should be. Literally moved to tears from just being here, and feeling that I could just move in and take up residency here at the monastery (I just really wish they had hot water). And what is this, but more symbolism? Obviously, this particular symbolism does mean something to me, and I'm having a really hard time trying to explain it, even to myself. I don't really know if I can put it into words, which brings me back to the point where I started - this is why it's so much easier to tell you about the temple and it's grounds, and the people and the sights. I spent the entire evening last night thinking - this is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. Obviously, the beauty comes - not just from the grounds and the stupas and the millions of candles and the hundreds of prostrating monks, but from the spirit that is behind it - which I can see, perhaps only because it means something to me, only because I believe it.

At this point it becomes emotional, or at least, I can't tell the difference between the emotional and the spiritual. I can assume that the tears and the depths of emotion that I felt come from a really sincere belief that this is the path that I should be following (I'm really looking for words here), and a really sincere wish to be able to get going on it as much as possible, as far as possible. Beyond that, it's really hard for me to say.

I don't know if any of this is worth reading, but at least two people have actually asked for it, so there it is. Does this answer your question? It's not that I don't have more to say - but rather, that I don't know what you want to know, and I don't want to bore you with too much soul-searching. So if you write and tell me what direction you want me to go - I will try. And if I've already gone too far - I'll stop right here.

From the ashram recluse

Here I am, in Varanasi, the holy city on the banks of the Ganges. Leaving tomorrow for Bodhgaya, the one and only place where the famous Buddha attained enlightenment, and from there, to a few more places that mean something to Buddhists. After that - who knows?

The first thing that I want to tell each and every one of you - is - NEVER, EVER, EVER take a four-day train trip in India. I was actually told this before I set out, and heeded not the warning, so the diarrhea, the fatigue, and the sore muscles - serve me right.

On the other hand, I met a few interesting people - a group of India Railways employees, for instance, who were on a job-sponsored trip to become more acquainted with the tracks they operate. One of them, a guy named Apur, spent some time with me, explaining the Hindu philosophy of how to attain enlightenment. This guy, who has been engaged (well, at least he has been seeing this girl) for four years, is now planning to finally get married in two months time. He was actually waiting until he felt he could support a family. He was taking the three-day train journey to visit his girl-friend for one day, and then three more days going back to the job-sponsored tour. And it was a surprise visit on top of that - her parents knew about it, but she didn't. If that isn't true romance, then what is?

Then there was an elderly married couple, of whom the husband gave me a long lecture about the benefits of the Hindu religion when he saw my "Yoga" T-shirt, and then there was the railway official on his way home, who started asking me personal questions as soon as he sat down, grilling me about my country of origin, my age, my marital status, my kids - and he was shocked, appalled and dismayed to hear that I was divorced, because - who will take care of me when I'm sick?!? Then he took it upon himself to explain to me that Indian culture doesn't have much divorce, and that he has been happily married for thirty years, and I got to see a photo of his wife, and to smell (no, thank you, I didn't want to taste any) the food that she prepared for his lunch - each and every item of it.

So all in all, maybe it wasn't such a terrible experience, although I really think I could have done without the 7-hour wait at Delhi station, where I think I picked up the diarrhea, and where I also got quite chummy with the local rats. People don't seem to mind these little (about the size of my foot) beasts - there we all were, sitting on seats, boxes or whatever else we could find to sit on, waiting for the train (a 3 hour delay, nothing unusual in India) - and the rats keep running in and out of the tracks, onto the platform and off of it - and I seem to be the only one noticing them. What can I say? Still a Westerner...

So what now? - I hear you ask (are you asking?)

Well, this morning I sailed on the river Ganges - which is imperative to any self-respecting pilgrim in this holy land. It is everything they say it is - holy river and holy bathtub. People come to jump up and down in it at sunrise (and yes - it's COLD), burn their dead (don't stand downwind from the smoke), meditate (sometimes completely covered with a prayer-shawl, so all you see is a sheet sitting up), perform acrobatic skills (don't ask why, I'm just telling it like I saw it), sail little leaf boats with flowers and lit candles in them (beautiful just before dawn). They bring little urns with which to gather water and re-pour it into the river as offerings to the sun, or soap, or both. Or else, they bring all kinds of souvenirs, to sell to the other people, who come to watch the other people - so you can see, we all keep each other pretty busy... Definitely an experience, after which came the walk in the old city, complete with being careful not to step in the numerous cow-pies along the way, all the while avoiding (or at least ignoring) the more persistent street hawkers who were still trying to sell me postcards.

And speaking of the cows, and their bountiful produce (and I don't mean the milk)!!! I have never seen a city that houses people and animals so equally!!! Cows, pigs, monkeys, dogs, goats and people (have I forgotten anything?) - all have equal status around here. I have seen men and monkeys sitting side by side, eating. I have seen cows and naked men lying in the middle of the road (not necessarily together), just because that was where they wanted to be at the time.

Had enough for today? (I can hear you begging for mercy...) So enough for now, and you'll probably be hearing more in the not-too-distant future.
Love from Varanasi

End of the course

Yes, the course is over, over, over. You are currently reading a message from a qualified teacher of Sivananda Yoga (not that I would dream of doing it without some more practice on family and friends...)

I will doubtlessly bore you all with stories about the final examination (imagine 160 people all sitting on the floor and writing for over three hours...) and the celebration that followed (imagine the same 160 people going berserk several hours later), but right now I'm all introspective and thoughtful, so you're going to have to bear with me and wait awhile for the juicy stories...

I left the ashram today and went with a few friends to a beach resort (for the Indians among you, you've probably been here before me - Varkala). The thing is - I wouldn't have come at all if it hadn't been for my room-mate, with whom I've become really good friends. I'm just here to spend another couple of days with her, and then I'm going back to the ashram.

No, I don't think you have to worry about my disappearing from the face of the earth just yet, but - my god!!! I didn't think it would be so hard to leave this place!!! I was originally going to start heading north today, but instead, I will probably stick around another week or so, and then see what happens. Yes, there is definitely a lot to be said for "going with the flow".

Another surprise is how tired I am - I was actually enjoying pretty much every moment (even the moments when I truly and sincerely thought that they were wasting my precious time, to put it lightly), but now that it's over, I feel like I've been through something really strenuous. I say this as an excuse, to explain why I'm not going to write much just now.

Basically, I just wanted to let you know that the course is over, and that all is well. And I wanted to ask, entreat, request, plead and beg my two dear sons to **WRITE ME** and tell me what is going on in your lives!!!!!!!! Where are you? What are you doing? What are you thinking? What are you feeling? A mother likes to know these things, so please write!!!

Also, Susan, Martin, I wanted to let you know that I got your letters, and thanks. I'll be writing more as soon as I get my head together. Just now, there are bits and pieces of it (my head) lying around in odd corners, and I have to collect, identify and mark them, pretty much the same as you might do with an archeological vase you might find buried under five feet of dust.

As you can probably see, I don't really know where I am this week, so this might be a good place to stop...