Some inner, private thoughts (or - abandon hope all ye who enter)

Something strange is happening to me here in Macleod Ganj. I've been here more than a week, and all I do most of the time is just sit around. I don't really feel like doing anything, and I'm glad just to sit in my room and read, or sit here at the internet parlor of my hotel. I feel like I'm wasting valuable time, because I'm in the home-town of the Dalai Lama and I haven't even bothered to find out if he is in town.

Not that it's really all that much to worry about. You could argue that I've been on the road for three months now, and I'm due for a rest. Only that the first two months weren't really "on the road", they were in a sheltered and relatively comfortable environment.

What is strange to me, is that - on the one hand, I find myself occasionally saying to myself "it's time to go home". On the other hand, I really do love it here, and I keep thinking of coming back next year, and staying here longer. Although I would want to plan it differently, and stay at the Tushita center for a 10-day course, and then either stay there as a volunteer, or move up to Dharamkot to stay (higher altitude, less tourists), and be a volunteer English teacher at one of the education centers here (like Nikki, who unexplainably found herself in front of a class of 30 people). And then I think - well, if that is what I want, why don't I move up there now? Because all that moving is sooooooo tiring, that's why.

Just sitting in my room is extremely pleasant, because I have a lovely view of the mountains (including one with snow, if I look from the right angle) from one window, and the valley below from the other. So I like just being there. (It would probably be nicer if there were someone to enjoy it with me, I guess.) The streets (all two of them) are a bit too touristy, full of souvenir shops and beggars. But altogether, my feeling is that I would really like to find a place to stay here for a very long time. And at the same time, I am starting to feel a bit homesick, and I'm not DOING anything here, with all the things I thought I would do. Why is that?

It's a strange mixture of feeling pleasantly happy just to be here, because I really like it, and feeling mildly uncomfortable at the same time, because there are things that I'm sure I will be sorry (later) that I didn't do. And feeling that I would really like to see the people I love, which isn't too surprising.

Anyway, at least I feel that I'm doing SOMEBODY some good, because I have been meeting a young Tibetan guy every evening since I got here, and helping him to learn English.

This business of helping people to practice English has several sides to it. Limor, my Israeli friend who has been here 4 years with her Kashmiri boyfriend, says that these guys are just using English as a pretext, and they are actually trying to get a personal connection that will lead to money, and maybe a visa out of India (even the monks, who were "monked" by their parents at a very early age, and would rather be doing something else). Maybe that is true for some of them, but it doesn't look to me like they are all looking for that. In any case, Tsultrim (YOU try and pronounce his name, I've given up!!) seems pretty genuine to me, and even if he's not - what do I care? He's getting exactly what he asked for (lots of English practice), so if he has a different agenda - it is his problem; and if not - then both of us are happy. One of the things I've learned in my old age is - do what seems right for you to do, and let the other guy work out his own thing. (Limor also told me to refuse the people who come up to me on the street and ask me to pose for a photograph with them, because they are actually using the photograph to later tell their friends that they had sex with the woman in the photograph (which would be me). And then I thought - well, what about it? If that is how they get their kicks, and I don't know them and will never see them again - why should it bother me?)

In short (ha!) - my brain is doing strange things some of the time. Not terribly surprising, I suppose. It's not the first time, and it's been stranger other times. I continue to wonder what will happen after I get home. Nothing to do but wait and see, I guess. Just thought I'd let you in on some private thoughts, just in case you're interested.